Christmas Gifts?

I’m making a list and checking it twice – of all the things I DON’T want for Christmas.

Over the years I have received gifts that were intended to be cute, useful, healthy, and meaningful. Do you remember Pope on a Rope?

Many of the gifts were from well-intentioned family, friends and co-workers.  About 22 years ago I tried to make it known that I really didn’t want a gift, but rather a hearty Merry Christmas. However, I still receive goodhearted gifts from some friends.

Then there was the year I received a Toilet Mug for my morning coffee from a co-worker who thought he was being clever. Another year one of my bosses told me he received an Eyebrow Razor. He didn’t know who sent it. I hate to say it, but he really needed it for his protruding eyebrow feelers. A friend told me he got his wife an Exercise Gift Basket. What in the world was he thinking? I would have been a little insulted if that was my gift. I wonder if the basket contained some Wrinkle Cream as well? Oh boy, don’t get me started.

One well intentioned friend gave one of the balding teachers at an adult school a Balding Products Kit. I guess she thought it would help him. To me, I don’t think anyone wants to have people point out that they are bald or overweight. One of the instructors I worked with got a Beer Belly Fanny Pack as well as a Beer Belly “T” shirt. Really? Even in jest that’s got to be just a little insulting. A more interesting gift that I saw on someone’s desk was a Personalized Branding Iron. The female instructor must have mentioned something about wanting to be branded, or maybe they intended to brand their spouse. And what would it say on the brand? It boggles the mind when one thinks of all the possibilities.

Although not a Christmas gift, I have seen some unique and somewhat macabre gifts that are a little upsetting. One of our older neighbors received a decorative and elaborate Cremation Urn for their Ashes. Thank you very much! While standing in line at Home Depot, I overheard a guy say that his daughter gave him an ashtray in the shape of a Lung. I guess he smoked a lot, and perhaps his kid wanted to make a point.

Recently while I was browsing at a specialty store, I saw a pair of Onion Goggles. Now, that would be a practical gift for someone who likes onions as much as I do.

Well, needless to say, I will not be looking for someone to give me that belly button cleaning kit this Christmas. I, of course, will not be sending out any toe rings this year. Having said that, I hope you will have a very Merry Christmas.