Headlines you may have missed

By C. F. Illingworth

Over the last few years, I have noticed some headlines that tickled my funny bone. Here are a few I’ve found:

This was in the Chicago Times human interest section: “A 91-year-old realizes he has been dropping his letters in a dog poop box for the last two years.” (Unfortunately, I can identify with that.)

“PG&E town hall meeting on frequent power outages is cut short by power outage.” (Of course it was.)

“McDonald’s robber demands chicken nuggets, has to accept breakfast food because it was still too early.” (Been there, done that; only I always miss breakfast.)

“Woman in California accidentally joins search party looking for herself.” (Sadly, I can understand that.)

“Florida couple arrested for selling tickets to heaven for $99.99.” (I think they sold them to lawyers.)

“Terrified Neighbors Call Police to Domestic Dispute But Find Man Alone Screaming at a Spider.”

“Arizona psychic hit by car says he never saw it coming.” (Really?)

“Hiker lost on mountain for 24 hours ignored calls from rescuers because he didn’t recognize phone number.” (Well, I can identify with that.)

“Boy picks shipping container for hide-and-seek, ends up 1,500 miles from home.” (Oh yes, boyhood memories.)

“Teenagers arrested after offering free squirts of hand sanitizer to shoppers in shopping mall but it turns out to be super glue.” (Not funny, well, maybe a little.)

“Wedding ceremony stalls when owl fails to deliver rings.” (Who would have thought?)

“Belgian man discovers wife of 19 years was born a man. He said he understands now why she wasn’t good at ironing.” (I know, he was a little bigoted.)

“White House threatens to fire anyone who tries to quit.” (Ah, ok.)

“Local News story: Bob McElroy, who asked to remain anonymous, is angry about neighbors illegal ten-foot fence.”  (I’m glad he remained anonymous.)

“Local Zoo Separates 5 Parrots After the Birds Were Caught Encouraging Each Other to Swear At Guests.”

“Man freed after getting his head stuck in a trash bin in Aberdeen.” (Haven’t we all done that once or twice?)

And lastly: “A retraction: A story that Tom Lane a local band member was on drugs should have read that Lane was on drums. (I’m glad they cleared that up.)

I hope you got a chuckle or two from these humorous headlines, I know I did.